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lyrics and how the fuck with you. [Sep. 11th, 2007|08:41 pm]
i swear, i've never felt more useless than i do now. i listen to songs in which boys fantasize and create heartbreaking scenarios, take love that they never plan on returning from a frail girl, or compare some fucked up girl to a basketball. is that what they really think of us? we're easy to hurt, easy to leave, and way too easy to get over. men i idolize in bands that change teenager's lives break my heart through their careless and categorizing words. bright eyes, something corporate, the format, they all talk about breaking girls hearts like its something that is totally fine. is there a real girl the songs about? "i can only see you naked.. cause that's all you're good for"
well fuck me. i cant even help but to take these songs personally, probably because of my situation this summer regarding someone who threw words around like this that i actually knew. but honestly, i'm not a basketball, i'm not a whore, and fuck you for making a song that acts like all girls are that way. no girl, regardless of if she's a slut or anything, deserves to be humiliated by some cocky-ass musician with a guitar and a microphone.
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miss me [Mar. 31st, 2006|09:10 pm]
[mood |lonelylonely]

so i'm so fucking sick of utah
and this life ive adopted.

its not fair.
it really isnt.
i was soo happy in flagstaff.
sure, i had my problems
but i hadnt felt this empty and alone for like, almost a year.
do you know how that is?
to feel so good and then feel like shit 24/7?

i dont fit in.
i might be accepted,
but only because i have to be.
its not like anyones dying to be my friend.
no one really wants to take the time to get to know me
im not cool enough
or pretty enough
i dont get drunk enough or have enough sex.
and even though some people may be nice to me,
im afraid to think they actually like me if theyre just being nice.
theyre two different things you know.

i miss the way it used to be so much that
it feels like im carrying a enormous broken heart around
i was so accepted
i had my group of friends
i had my boy
i had it great
not perfect, but great
everything i wanted, minus the little voice in the back of my head screaming "this is gonna be over soon"

it ended too soon.

maybe it "takes time"
maybe ill never feel that way again
i just wish i could have finished out high school in one spot.
not two. polar opposites.

yeah maybe people think its good to move
maybe people like to move
but, i certainly do not
and the only time i ever want to leave is times like these
when theres nothing better than what i used to have

when i talk to my old friends,
i get jealous and sad,
that they are still living the life i once was a part of
when i talk to my friends, or more acquaintances, here,
i get jealous and upset
that they are so happy in this world that i hate

i guess no one can see where im coming from
probably because no one sees a sitution in exactly the same way.

alright. i guess thats enough.
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wwwwwwwwwan diego [Feb. 28th, 2006|09:27 pm]
so like...
im at school
sittin in the library
surrounded by a bunch of freshmen who are in my journalism class
schools gonna be way way unnecessarily hard.
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so this is what high schools about. [Oct. 23rd, 2005|03:15 pm]

i feel like a goldfish
in a glass bowl
and that my life is on display
people watch
and criticize
and sympathize
but do they really understand it?
because they cant
just like i cant understand theirs
i try to act cool
and fit in and stand out all the same
but theres always something im doing wrong
always a person who doesnt like it
always words exchanged behind my back
so i pretend that i cant hear the bad words
and see the dirty looks
nobodys perfect
why cant that be realized?
girls are horrible
and guys are worse
girls are bitches
but guys are desperate
and if you give in you feel used
and if you dont then you feel like you were only wanted for one thing
and that you dont matter anymore
some people
tap the glass to try to see me do a trick,
something else to talk about
they want a show
so they can laugh and point their fingers
i am sick and tired
of this feeling
of being sad
and getting judged
and not feeling good enough
why dont i feel good enough?
i guess it doesnt matter anyway
because this little goldfish
wont be in that bowl for very long
because its time to start new again
because i can NEVER be in one place for too long right!?
that would be too great.
its time to pack up and leave,
but the way its going right now
i dont mind.

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ew life? gross [Sep. 28th, 2005|09:45 pm]
everything is so confusing
today my exex boyfriend told me he was in love with me[bs?], and that every time he sees me in the halls he thinks to himself "i cant believe i gave that up"
isnt that the cutest thing? omg
but i feel guilty
because its whenever i see my ex boyfriend that i think that
i dont know why i still feel for him
he hurt me like... enough to remember
but not enough to break
ya know?
i hope you do lol
and now im talking to maybe a new boyfriend
but hopefully not...
long story
k bye

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yupyup [Jul. 2nd, 2005|07:14 pm]
hey dudes. or dudettes.
we-ell. i got devies letter. i liked it because it was loong! :D
anyway i need to write her back as soon as i am done with this lovely entry! sooo. jake comes back tomorrow. he has been gone 10 days. 10. thats a lot of days. hannah slept over at my house last night, (YESTERDAY WAS MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) anwyay so we got in the jacuzzi and jake called. now ever since he left me here all alone, we've only talked on the fone for like 5 minutes at a time. but this time we talked for friggin eeeeeeeeever. like an hour and a half. me, hannah, and jake. well he was on speaker fone, gosh its not like i would talk on the fone for an hour and half while my friend was over unless she was in the ocnversation! so i guess he got me an "expensive" birthday present. he told hannah what it was but he wouldnt tell me. so then she told me it was a deigner purse. hmmmm well i named off every single brand i knew aaaaaaaaaand none was it. so maybe its not, maybe hes just sayin that. I DUNNO
so. my friend todd, jake and my other friend kyle i guess used to be bestest friends or something. well now kyle and todd really dont like jake. prolly cuz hes such a slut. but anyway i invited todd to my party, and i hadnt told him me and jake were goin out yet. so i thought i had to ya no, i dont really know why.. so i tol him and he was like oh... but he wasnt sad or anything i mean i just didnt want him to be mad at me because he doesnt like jake. so i hope it will be okay at our party. i mean im sure it will... yeah.
soo. i dont know whether i should invite will to my party because well i just have this feeling. like i dont want him to be all depressed or something. he kinda was at josies party. but you know what, i dont want to worry about it. will is great and i dont want to lose his friendship and if i dont invite him, then thats what i think will happen. anyway i think i kind of like jordan. thats bad! but i mean.. yeah! i invited him oday, well he didnt pick up so he called me back, and said hed call melater so maybe we could hang out. :) hahahaa. oh and im goin to the movies on tuesday with todd. and i need to find someone else to go with us but hopefully hannah will be able too.
aaaaaaaaaanyway thats about it dudes. i'll talk to ya later
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(no subject) [Jun. 29th, 2005|06:40 pm]
[mood |goodgood]
[music |anna nalick, breathe]

i am listening to my favorite song of all time,
breathe (2 am)
by anna nalick. i love her.
anyway i think you-know-who may be cheating on me.
someone said that he did and that the girl he did it with and the guy that was there told him so
he said he would rather believe the people without the girlfriend.
i think so too.
but i dont know what to do.
and my cell phone is dead and i lost the charger so we went to the mall to buy one
but i forgot that this is
oh yeah!
so of course they didnt have it. and i feel naked without it!
so i get home right, to plug it into the car
so i need to go look some more.
but anyway
yesterday i walked a lot to hannahs
we walked so much
k me and jess walked to hannahs house and then we walked to sams house and then arturo gave us a ride to the athletic club. and then we were there for like an hour which isnt very long and then we walked back to sams house and then to my house! jeez louise!
thats a lot for lil ol lazy me
and my party is the 12th
anyway i am gonna write in BOLD cuz guess what i am BOLD
me and hannah are gonna have it together!
woop woop
jake comes back the 3rd
i just thought i should say that
ommmm g so my myspace is SO f*cked up. i dont even no why man but it is.
so anyway man
i'd like to buy the world a coke
hm hm hm hmmmmmmmmmmmm
have you noticed that i am getting lighter and lighter!
that means that pretty soon....
after a couple more......
pretty  sooooooooon....
i'll be reeeeeeeeeeeally light
yeah like WHITE shabam! if you can read this i have to tell you a secret..... i am a....
tee hee i am so sneaky
but dont worry i mean i am not lesbian i promise
i SWARE dude
k see this color green?
mixed with this color blue...
and this deep brown...

they are flagstaff. they make it up and they are what i see everyday. they are beautiful.

there kay, i just thought i'd be deep for a lil bit
a lil bit
just a lil bit
not a lot baby girl just a lil bit
a lil bit of this a lil bit of that

kkkkkkkay im done was this friggin long enough for ya!
jeez sorry! luvya

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(no subject) [Jun. 12th, 2005|11:12 am]
well i havent kept you updated so here goes
johnny turned out to be a total ass hole. and he is just really mean so like, forget him. then there was will and jake. will was so cool but he was kind of scary and sucidal. anyway so people were givin me shit cuz i was "playin" will and jake and on the last day of school we all got out at 11:00 so we went to FAC. and we were there and it was me and jess sam kylee josie lindsay vanessa caity and shannon and hannah, and then and jake came. and then, zander johnny will brandon danny jordan and a few other guys i dont really now showed up too. so jake has his arm around me and thenhe has to leabe. so when he leaves will comes and does the same thing. will is really touchy-feely i have to say and even though thats hot and everything it was kind of weird, in front of everyone. so jordan was like 'did you see the transition?! she went from jake to will in like 2 minutes". so then zander who i thought was just like my friend, came over to me and told me that josie was really pissed at me because she is really good friends with jake and i was 'all over' will. so that just got me in a baad mood. and then kay there was like, at least 12 people in the jacuzzi so its overflowing and shit and then the lady comes out and tells us only 6 are allowed. but anwyay so kylee ditched me and went with sam and jess and shannon and they came back all tipsy and shit. so i was in a bad mood becyase i thought josie was gonna tell jake i was all over will and then jake would hate me so me and caity we left. well all night i am worried and wondering what to do about jake and will, and then the next day sam calls me. shes like "kelly promise you wont be mad, promise please im so sorry dont be mad" so i was like OH SHIT what did you do? and she was like... me and will... kissed a little. well a little kiss meant making out, and everyone new that they were doing that EXCEPT for me. so i was the last one to know and she KNEW I liked him, a lot. i was so upset because i was so worried about hurting someone elses feelings and no one gave a shit abou tmine. all of my feidns were there too, and none of them even told me. some friends huh? so friday i was VERY emotional and upset and i felt so stabbed in the back and shit and i went downtown with hannah and had a fun time NOT with my other "friends".
well we had made plans on thursdat to go swimming again on saturday and i wasnt going to let sam ruin my summer or at least my weekend. so i went and i didnt even look at her. she wound up leaving like 20 minutes after i got there. well it was me, shannon caity and jess, jake jordan and zander. my parents went to a movie at three so jakes mom then took us all to my house. i thought we had a lot of fun even though my parents told me not to have anyone over. then zander told jake that if he didnt ask me out, he would. so jake asked me out. and even though i didnt really want a bf over the summer i didnt want to say no so i said yes. so now jake is my boyfriend!! haha
well this has been a LONG ass entry... but its been a very interesting few days of summer!!
okay bye!
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(no subject) [May. 6th, 2005|05:52 pm]
omg i am sick of the twisting and turning my days take
either good or bad, extremely bad
i am so sick and tired of being depressed and unhappy and worried
but today was a good day
johnny likes me :)
duh though, is that a dangerous thing?
  1. i dont want to hurt mike again
  2. i dont want to hurt johnny
  3. i dont want johnnys skanky friends to hurt me as results from the above
oh well g2g!
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(no subject) [Apr. 28th, 2005|07:59 pm]
today was a much MUCH better day so that was good! jordan said i was hot to jake right in front of me! hahahaha it was awesome. i gave mike like fifty billion hugs today and jake like 12. i love hugs i think they make your day better! like today! but yeah i dont know, i hope tomorrow is a good day too. jessica is coming over tomorrow i hope, she'll spend the night so thats cool! i got really close to sam and didnt notice all the other cool girls i hang around with so yeah i need to have more than like 2 close friends. mike's gonna come over next thursday to help me make a cake for sam so thats cool cuz her bday is next weekend. and she is having a party, and its the day before i get back from florida. on this saturday i am gonna go volunteer at the peaks and talk to the elderly people. we are gonna plant flowers and paint the pots. it iwll be fun, i love painting. it just makes me sad to see these people so heartbroken living in such a uniformal place. i never want to live in an old folks home, i want to die before i get like that. i guess i am scared by death but at the same time i am looking forward to it. i just know that i am going to have a lot more family members die before i die, and death is one of the most hardest things i think any human being has to deal with. its a way of life, but it is so dreaded.
golly. i need to get my first kiss bad. and by bad, i mean NOW. k tyler and jake both new i hadnt had it so they both wanted to give it to me, and then after i went out with mike they never talked about it again. i think they think mike kissed me, but he didnt. i mean it was actually great for a while because they all wanted to be my first kiss. how come all these guys think i am hot? i love it because it makes me feel good, but i mean it was never like that before, and now it is. jake rated me an 8.5 so i guess thats kinda a compliment. hm? yeah but its like i am sick and tired of never doing anything with guys. yeah i could have made the first move toward mike, but hell i was so afraid! i want someone wholl take charge, that wasnt mike. tyler would be like that. i think i have a little crush on jordan, and... and johnny but shhh, all my friends hate johnny, because hes really funny, but the mean kinda funny you know?
wow well i wrote a lot today, so thats cool.
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